I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
