I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
