I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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