I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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