i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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