I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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