i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
