The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
