can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
