Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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