I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
