Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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