I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
