Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
