I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
