I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
