so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
