I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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