My cat gives me a boner
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
