my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
