I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
