he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
