we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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