our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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