wrigley field is MILF paradise
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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