Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
