He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
