if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize