i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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