I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
