When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
