because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
