I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
