I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize