he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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