Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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