i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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