Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
