wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
