Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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