I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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