yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
