I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
