WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
