I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
