I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
