i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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