i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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