he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
