he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
