If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
