FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it's like iHOP with fire
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize