Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
