i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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