her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize