I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
