Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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