I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize